Cleansing

I have read there are several stages of grief.  I believe that.  I’m not sure if I’ve gone through all of them.  Just when I think I’m ready to move on with my life, I see a red bird.  Just when I’ve grown accustomed to being totally alone, I see him peek around the corner of the bedroom door, just to see if I’m still there in my chair.  When I read a post on Facebook that I want to share, I remember that I can’t tell him.  And when I hear of a friend passing or the birth of a new child, I realize he isn’t there to share those precious memories or rejoice for the new life.    It wasn't all without tears, petty disagreements, big disagreements, and hurtful misunderstandings.  Far from it.  But, in the big scheme of things, we pouted, but we never gave up on each other.   

Putting my life back together after so many years is almost an impossible task.  I laugh, I joke, I talk to people, but my mind no longer focuses on the “now”.  I wonder about the “what if’s” and the "it is what it is."    I berate myself for not doing enough to overcome this immense sadness.  I hate myself for things I have said, that can never be unsaid.  I remember the times of my selfishness and pious thoughts.  I’m angry that the times we waited for, will never come and I want to say, “I told you so!”  "Why, why?"   

Things that weren't said, are just as important as things said.  It breaks my heart that we didn’t get the chance to say our sweet way we always told each other, even if just to go to the grocery store.  “If I don’t come back, I love you.”   We said it in jest, but now, I know just how much it really means to have spoken those words to each other.  It happened so fast.  Our quick parting words, “see you later” haunt me.   Oh God, how I miss him. 

I need a cleansing of my spirit and soul.  I need to know it's ok to cry, but I need peace and joy and laughter.  I need to move away from the past and look to the future.   I need to know it’s ok to be sad or mad.  I need a purpose for living.  I long for the desire to enjoy life.  I need to know he's ok,  peaceful and happy, and I need strength and determination to realign my thoughts for a meaningful life and happiness again,  wherever I may be.  I don't ask for pity, I ask for healing of mind and body.    It will take time.