MY "COME TO JESUS' MEETING

At one phase of life or another, most all of us come to a point in life where we need to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting with ourselves.  For someone who had always been in control of every situation that arose, I found myself completely out of control of everything.  My life seemed to be a failure at everything I had tried to do for those most important to me.  I no longer could reign in my children and prove to them what I felt, in my heart, was right and good for their future.  I couldn't fix their problems, no matter how I tried.  Although I hated moving, I could not predict that next year I would live in the same house, be able to grow a garden, become involved in activities, and commit myself to anything permanent.   For whatever reasons, I had built a wall of resentment and hurt around myself and vowed to never let anything or anyone ever hurt me again.    I had to have my meeting. 

My wonderful doctor in Atlanta knew I was in trouble.  He encouraged me to seek counseling and guidance from a psychiatrist, but made me promise that I would allow him to find me the best doctor he could locate in the whole metro area.  I wasn't disappointed in his choice.  A lovely woman, near my same age, who changed my future and my outlook in life forever. 

It's important to get to know ourselves first.  Otherwise, how can you possibly assist others.  A regime of weekly appointments, reading about controlling factors, and finding appropriate medication followed.  I learned that, no matter what, I was not going to be able to change the future for anybody.  I learned it wasn't important if everything didn't match when I served a meal to guests, or had sterling silver flatware, or if the dishes weren't washed and put away immediately; that my own health was primary; that I needed to explore outside activities that pleased me, not everyone else.   And most of all, I learned to laugh and I wasn't a bad parent or wife, after all, but I was an enabler because I cared so much I needed to control.

My "Come to Jesus" meeting about myself and my outlook on life, changed my future.  It took some time, but eventually I was back on the map and there for whoever needed me and asked, but I now knew my limitations and where to draw the line in the sand regarding behavior.

BRIGHT LIGHTS TO DESPAIR

• Leaving the hills and coal country of eastern Kentucky after only one year, we returned to Rockdale County where we purchased a small home in the city limits of Conyers, near work and schools.  We were battered, but we were not broken.   Down, but not out.  We immediately went to work getting re-established and rebuilding our confidence and self-esteem that comes after bankruptcy and financial loss.  Sollie worked for a local plastics manufacturing company and I went to work in the big city of Atlanta at a large real estate firm in Peachtree Center.

Tim was discharged from the Army, came home, got a job and soon found a girl he loved and we had a small marriage ceremony for them at home.   The marriage ultimately failed in a few months.     Jim and Cathy moved to Conyers, where they both found jobs right away and soon bought a nice little home.   It wasn’t long before we found we were going to be grandparents!    Teresa was in high school. 

Commuting daily to Atlanta, gave me an opportunity to explore life in the fast lane – literally.   My daily commute to Atlanta gave me a time to pray while I drove in, and reflect on the day,  on my drive home.  I loved my job, felt like a real city girl in my carefully chosen business suits and high heeled shoes.  I shopped at Rich's, Davison’s and other favorite stores for bargains on my lunch hour or after work.    The office staff in our firm would go out together for lunch several times a week at the great restaurants nearby.   The bosses, all VP’s of the firm, would take us to lunch at high end places like the Capitol City Club, Hugo’s, Nikoli’s Roof, and Midnight Sun.  At Christmas, we had large parties in the beautiful Westin Hotel ball room , special events in our conference room, and I participated in the planning and execution of these as part of my job administration and personnel staffing.   We had all the local movers and shakers for special cocktail parties to celebrate opening of a new industrial or retail complex.   We celebrated "Light Up Atlanta" in Peachtree Center - a first for the city.  It was an exciting, almost fantasy world for me, since I had never been exposed to the city life and bright lights.  I had a lot to learn about life in the city and never felt comfortable dining with the executives, but it was just part of the life of most downtown firms in Peachtree Center.  I got a tremendous amount of valuable experience and was very happy with my career. 

No matter how late I got home in the evenings after my commute, I would always arrive home before Sollie.  His job was paramount and he worked late hours, leaving home early and returning late, but for the most part, he worked nearby so he didn’t have to commute.   I would come home after work and prepare our supper and usually Teresa and I would eat alone.   If she had any extra curricular activities, I attended alone.    Looking back, I know that time of my life could have been better spent at home, taking part in the life of my daughter who needed my guidance during a time in her life when peer pressure and social issues were at their height.   I didn’t spend nearly enough time being a Mother.  Perhaps it would have made her life easier.  Perhaps not.     Hind sight is 20/20.  

Since my Mom has recently turned 70, we jointly decided she should sell the family home and retire from her beauty shop forever.   Sollie and I bought a home with a basement “in-law” suite, but Mom decided she wouldn’t be happy with country life and we moved in our newer home giving us additional space to store some of her furniture.  We located a new “high rise” retirement home just opening in Covington, so Mom moved from Swainsboro to Covington Square.  It was not a difficult decision for her to make.  She was ready for a change and was anxious to start a whole new life at 70 years old.   She fit right in with the residents and was located right in downtown near everything she could hope for.   The very first week, determined to go to church, she promptly fell and broke her ankle in the vestibule, before we had even unpacked all the boxes.    Surgery and hospitalization followed and then on to rehabilitation in Decatur followed by weeks in a wheel chair with me driving from Atlanta to Covington to check on Momma, go home to prepare our meals, do laundry, etc., and fall into bed.   

Sollie was now working in Milwaukee, WI as Plant Manager of a large plastics manufacturing company, and came home every other week-end.    He was a happy camper taking on a brand-new challenge, head on.  Since I wouldn’t agree to move to Milwaukee, he was a real absentee husband and father now.  Some week-ends, I would fly to Milwaukee to spend the week-end with him at his apartment in the hotel near Lake Michigan.  We had a week together and drove down to Chicago, took in some museums, and later drove to Door County, a beautiful spot in the upper part of the state right on the Lake.   Life seemed good.

But, by the middle of the 80’s, life at home was becoming dark.   I had already decided to stop the madness of commuting, and found a local position with a developer and enjoyed the extra hours of sleep.    I wanted some time for myself to enjoy the things I had always hoped to do, but couldn't, because of my work schedule.  Without going into private details, a series of events led to personal despair, depression, and downright gut wrenching agony.  I thought I would die.  I wanted to die.  Nothing seemed to be working the way I had planned for my life and family.  I longed for a life of peaceful existence and harmony.  I cried buckets of tears.  I prayed.  I cried more tears.   What did I do to deserve the hurt, grief and misery?  Stress, pressure, and sadness dominated.  How could I keep going?