Have you ever wondered if you're marching to the wrong drum? Not doing something you should be doing, or worse, doing something you should not be doing? Ever wonder why things happen the way they do? Where did I mess up, or what did I do to create such chaos in my life? Why this? Why that?
Let me tell you about what it means when your brain has a tendency to have seizures. Yep, seizures. But before I do, let me tell you about my frenzied dreams. I'm talking serious crazy stuff.......But, I also wonder if they aren't more telling of my state of mind when the medication for seizures has been started, stopped, changed, or continued.
Last nights escapades started after three hours, but continued, after I had a "nature call" three times between midnight and 6:00 AM. It went something like this...
I'm returning a large table which I had used for some unknown event, to someplace, over the state line into some adjacent state. I'm driving a white van.....but, it operates like a mobile device "scooter" - sticks that go forward, backward, left, right. No breaks. It either goes really fast, or really slow.
I return the table without incident. I return to my van scooter and mosey on into a large warehouse-like building that has a vendor displaying beautiful and classy looking blouses, tops, tunics, etc. Hummm....... I decide I would go inside and try on a few. The sales clerks were very nice. Helped me try on several. I twisted and turned and looked in the mirror at myself and after a while, I decided that they all were too long and made me look fatter than I already am. I thanked the nice ladies and back into my van scooter and off I mosey. - Literally. Slowly and meticulously trying to find my way out of the building and onto a highway leading to home. My van scooter had NO breaks. I would push the stick forward and it sailed away. I pulled the stick forward and it would slow down. I pushed the other stick and it would go left. I pulled it and it would go right. Frustration was setting in, big time. Scared to death because I had no clutch OR breaks. Out of control.
I managed to find my way back to the warehouse where there is a vendor selling mattresses. I lay down on several trying to decide which was comfortable. Some were, some weren't. Some hard, some soft. Then finally found the perfect one, but it was a king sized mattress. Thought to myself, "why are you thinking about a king sized mattress?" You don't have room for one and sold the one you had! Stupid me. So, I tell the man and go on my way. He smiles and waves.
Somewhere in this maze of a warehouse, were boxes with shipping labels to Walmart stores in various locations. I think, I probably shouldn't be buying a mattress from Walmart anyway. I'm back on the road again. Raining. Pouring. Frantic to get home. So tired. So scared. So worried.
I awake for the third and last time at 9:00 A.M., totally exhausted. So spent. So tired. So wobbly with pain. I grasp my way to the kitchen for my daily meds. I know the drill. Pain medication isn't an option for me. Won't go there until I'm almost dead. Two 650 mg. acetaminophen is my drug of choice. "Three times a day, dammit!" A direct quote from one doctor.
I've had at least three seizures in my life. Two episodes, I now recognize, had to have been seizures, but at the time, I was alone, and didn't know any better. Just knew I suffered from severe painful attacks and thought they resulted in my "fainting". The third seizure left me incapacitated, incoherent, and exhausted and darn near scared my husband to death, since he thought I was dead, or dying for sure. Yep, the grand Mal. Not a pretty sight!
As I thought about this, I wondered why I have had such difficulty in getting a medication that allows me to have a "normal" day. One free of pain, free from becoming a walking, talking, zombie that can't remember squat, but still will ward off the evil spirit that seems to dominate my life called "seizure tendency". It ain't right. Am I persecuted, vexed, tormented, grounded, in "time-out"? Why did this momentous, life altering event start in my golden years?
I choose to believe I am firmly vilified, vindicated, approved of, and cherished. Not angry, provoked, or troublesome. I choose to have a life in spite of the seizures, not in lieu of them. I choose to keep doing whatever is possible to help me to remain in the lives of those who want me there for being who I am, not for being what I am not. Nobody, nobody can know what it is like until they have been there. Nobody should decide, other than doctors and patients, who takes any medication. If cannabis oil would allow me to live a life free of seizures or tendency for seizures, then I want to go for it. I would urge any parent to do the same thing for their child who has seizures. It is life altering, life changing, and life threatening experience.
Does my dream have a meaning? Am I seeking to get somewhere, in a slow moving, uncontrollable environment? Am I trying to control circumstances where I should not have any control? Do I have faith? Am I a loony tune? Am I lucky to be where I am today and have the life I do have? You bet!
Cheers!
